How To Get Ahead (Without Really Trying)

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How To Get Ahead (Without Really Trying) Climb the corporate ladder by slacking off Brought to you by

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Introduction Get the maximum benefit out of doing minimal work A simple cost-benefit analysis proves that slackers can fulfill their obligations while maintaining a stress-free existence The steps required to achieve this kind of life involves a dedicated regime of deceit, disappearing, devious deeds, and obviously, drinking In short: we’re going to help you climb the corporate ladder by slacking off

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The Key To Looking Busy Look around. The stressed out workers are the ones getting the most work done. You can be just like them (without the stress or work) with these simple tips: Top Tips Use your computer to look busy. IM’ing with your friends? TYPE AS HARD AS YOU CAN. Angry typing = URGENT WORK BEING DONE Keep a messy desk. Huge piles of important documents means you are important Look annoyed. Roll your eyes when someone says they’re busy. Be impatient and angry with underlings Leave the office late. Stream movies or TV shows at your desk, restructure your fantasy football league – just hang in there until your boss has officially left the building

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Why Carry Your Own Weight When Someone Can Carry You? Group projects are a gift from the Slacker Gods, provided they stopped smoking pot to actually dole out presents There’s no better way to get ahead than teaming up with an over-achieving control freak who cannot – and WILL NOT –delegate or collaborate on projects Ignore check-ins, deadlines and group communications. Your Type A group leader will immediately take on your workload Take the lead ONLY when it’s time to present to your client or boss. Bold presenters will receive 75% of the credit, 89% of the time Type A perfectionist Brilliant but shy introvert Smartass who’s dead weight The total incompetent THE FOUR TYPES OF PEOPLE FOUND ON A GROUP PROJECT

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Want to really get ahead? Put your true college experience to work and get buzzed with the big shots A majority of men report that social bonding time occurs within the context of alcohol and positive mood increases in exclusively in male groups 70-80% of job openings aren’t posted publicly; which means you’ll hear more about potential positions over your third round than you will on LinkedIn 84% of people do business primarily with people they know and like In short: get drunk, make friends, and get that title bump, corner office, and inflated salary that you totally don’t deserve! Libations of Successful CEOs Bourbon 19% Scotch 34% Beer 27% Vodka 20% Wine 2% “Networking” Is Code For Professional Drinking

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It’s All About Perception: Self-Promoting While Replying All 73% of business experts advise that you should only “reply all” if you have something useful to add and/or a definitive answer to the email in question Not true! To look like an enthusiastic member of the team, click that “reply all” to reply to: A notice about found panties in the men’s bathroom Emails soliciting personal preferences (on food, company events, birthday cards and sexual innuendos) Anything you’re BCC’d on (to embarrass whomever sent it) Warning: “Replying All” is a dangerous tool and is for expert-level slackers only. Misuse will result in a serious CLM (career-limiting move)

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Summary Drink and be personable Fake anger and surf the Internet Mooch off others Now you’re three weeks away from running your company like a boss Ready, set, slack.

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You’re Welcome.